Spam in a can, win.  Tuna in a can, win.  Soup in a can, win.  Hamburger in a can, fail.  Whole chicken in a can, epic fail.  There are foods that belong in a can, and then once in a while, a product comes along that makes us question, WTF?

Well, let’s start out with the Cheeseburger in a Can.

This product was making the blog waves early last year, and the folks at AVClub.com managed to get their hands on one from Ebay.  A few initial reactions before the taste testers took a bite were: “Oh, that looks so gross. It’s so grey. It’s the greyest meat ever,” “It looks more greenish to me, ” “It’s got this horrible film on it.”

More pertinent than the taste is the texture. The bun is only very slightly soggy on the bottom, and surprisingly fluffy and ordinary otherwise. The cheese is clammy and clumpy. The burger itself is weirdly, unpleasantly smooth, again something like a bad grain-burger. It lacks the chewiness of actual meat; it’s grease-slick, smooth, and eerily regular. Imagine modeling clay lightly dipped in meat drippings. We’re not sure what kind of meat drippings. Horse, maybe?

As you can see, the product looks nothing like the product picture.

And here are some post taste test impressions:

• “No, it really is the meat that’s the problem. Oh God.”
• “When I first tasted it, it didn’t bother me, but it festered.” “Really? I gagged the second it hit my tongue.”
• “It’s pretty much like a dog-food patty.”
• “It’s like this chicken-fried steak that I got once at a disreputable diner, then left in the fridge for three days, then ate in a drunken stupor. No, it’s a little worse than that.”

This product isn’t available in the states, probably for good reason.  If you happen in Germany though, go nuts.

Next up is the Whole Chicken in a Can, yes, you read right.  Man, that picture of the chicken sure does look delicious, and I sure am hungry!

Foodnetworkhumor.com has the complete article and I think the writer has a great description of the product:  “I don’t know about you guys, but I wouldn’t eat anything that looked like forgotten leftovers from the “Neo Being Birthed In The Matrix” scene…”

Serving suggestions are as follows:

Remove chicken from the can.  Be sure to save the delicious broth.  Place chicken in an uncovered pan, baste well with  some of the broth.  Place in a hot oven, 475 degrees for 10 to 15 minutes. Baste two or three times while heating.  To prepare a delicious gravy, brown two tablespoons of flour, mix in a cup of broth.  Allow to thicken over burner until desired consistency, A delicious chicken soup may be prepared by adding rice, cooked noodles or dumplings to the broth.

Wee!  Lookout world, here I come!  Wait, is that amniotic fluid?

The results after being cooked in the oven.  It looks like the crows and buzzards got to it first.  Was it chicken in a can, or carcass in a can?  Pass.